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Dear Cincinnati Bengals,

What. The. Hell.

I’ve talked about before how I get to see very few Bengals games on TV, especially this year for some reason. I was resigned to only seeing you guys on TV during the playoffs – which I was positive you’d make – so it came as a pleasant surprise when I was flipping through the channels on Sunday (a rare activity for me, since I usually just wander between the devil’s triangle of ESPN, ESPN2, and the Weatherscan channel) and stumbled across the ol’ orange and black. It’s a Christmas miracle! I thought to myself with glee and promptly settled down to some serious football watching, armed with a plate of hastily-prepared, yet incredibly delicious nachos and an ice-cold Pacifico. This is going to be the best Sunday ever!

But since this is GBSB, where expectations go to die, and my excitement was short lived. In fact, I even flipped away from the game before it was over, so great was my disgust. Bengals, what the fuck was that travesty you called a football game??

Yeah, yeah, the score was close, the ref reversed a call, etc. et. al. cry me a fucking river, you losers. How could this game even be that close? The Bucs are the worst team in the NFC South (a division which the Saints are leading, for christ’s sake) and you let them get their first win off you. You lost your division lead to the Ravens and, even worse, the Steelers are now only one game behind! How are you supposed to make the playoffs, let alone the Super Bowl, if Chris Simms’ spleen is better at taking out players than your defense is? If the Falcons second-string can cake walk all over your collective asses, then how many points are Steve Smith’s Panthers going to score?

And Bengals offense, do you think you’re off the hook? Hell no. Start playing better, you chumps. 13 points in the last two games? That’s Raiders-style hideous. Carson, you looked so much better in pre-season than you do now, that it physically makes me ill. Don’t worry about the knee thing or the fact that your o-line might not be as good as it was last year – you are a great QB and we believe in you, buddy. Just lob the ball down the field and trust in your receivers to make the play. And speaking of receivers, if Chad Johnson reverting back to the faux T.O. lite-esque ass he was last season means that the offense puts up more points, then I say go for it. At least he was funny then.

Bengals, you may think I’m being harsh. Maybe I am. But I only yell at you because I’m disappointed in you, Cincinnati Bengals. Look, you don’t see me giving the same pep talk to my hometown team, the 49ers. I’ll let you in on a little secret why: they legitimately suck and they will continue to suck for a while yet. Bengals, you don’t suck. You have a cadre of players who already decent at their young age and who will only get better as they mature. There is hope for great things in your future: but there is also hope for the present. You need to live up to and exceed your potential.

So get out there and play like the fucking football players you know you are. You have a loyal and supportive fan base that believes in you and would follow you to the ends of the earth – or the Super Bowl.

Next time I watch you on TV, do your best to make me proud. Play football.