Sunday I’m assisting my wife in taking down all of the Christmas decorations, finally, including disassembling the tree and packing up all of the ornaments. In the background I have on football, stealing glances over fake evergreen limbs and pausing for a play every time I set an ornament on the floor for my wife to wrap in tissue paper or put back in its box. I, of course, had already taking special care to properly package all of my Hallmark Star Trek and Star Wars ornaments, which my wife would banish to the back of the tree if she could (”Wouldn’t they look so much better on the other side, Sweetie?”).

“What time do the Bengals come on?” she asks.

“4:30,” I reply.

I have already invoked “I’M BUSY” the line that I only save for very special occasions when my manhood requires that I be in front of the television watching an important sporting event. Every year I unwrap it like a piece of fine crystal for the last Saturday of Ohio State’s football season when they play Michigan. She usually goes shopping that day.Today however, I’m staring at the pile of Christmas cheer strewn about the living room. There’s no way all of this will be boxed up and put back in the garage by 4:30. My couch is filled with a snow white male and female teddy bear, each with our first Christmas year of “2002″ stamped on their paws, a Snoopy in a Santa hat, and various other wreathes and such. The coffee table, or as I like to refer to it, “footrest,” is filled with candles, small boxes, knick knacks, and then more candles. 4:30 is two hours from now. There’s no way this is all put away by then.

It didn’t necessarily have to be this way, you know. We could have put all this up yesterday, but that was my wife’s Day Off. My wife never takes a Day Off, despite my council that she should relax for an evening now and then. She is always dusting, vacuuming, ironing, organizing, or some other project she knows about that I would rather put off because, well, I’m a man. I wasn’t about to suggest that we put away the Christmas horde on Saturday because the decree of a Day Off had already gone out, and she deserved it, so I decided to take one for the team.

So instead on Saturday I played video games, watched the Playoffs, and went to Wal-Mart to buy a candy thermometer so I could make some vanilla ice cream in my new ice cream maker that my wife bought me for Christmas. She, on the other hand, watched Mona Lisa Smile which she had checked out from the library the other day. She also picked up De-Lovely, and we watched it Saturday night after I had broiled some steaks for dinner.

I had seen the previews for De-Lovely and thought that it might be a good movie for she and I to watch together. I’ve seen some Cole Porter musicals, and although it was a love story of sorts, it couldn’t be that bad. Plus, it had Ashley Judd in it, and she gets naked in every movie she’s in, so they’ll be a little something for every gender.

Ashley Judd however, couldn’t have picked a worse time to develop a higher moral standing.

Here’s a tip from me to you: Don’t see De-Lovely. I’ll save you the trouble by summarizing the entire film right now: Kevin Kline plays Cole Porter who would rather sleep with men then Linda Porter, his wife, played by Ashley Judd. The movie is totally unbelievable and impossible to take seriously for that simple fact alone. Let’s face it, if you could have the option between any man and Ashley Judd, who would you pick? Exactly.

Ladies, you’ll hate this movie as well. Trust me, my wife didn’t like it, and she dragged me to see Phantom of the Opera: The Movie when it was only open at select cities. How Lexington, Kentucky, got to be a “select city” I’ll never know, but my wife loved it, so you know she likes chick flicks, girls. Trust me, stay away from De-Lovely because is De-Sucks.Brief Aside #1: Men, you actually may be able to survive watching Phantom of the Opera: The Movie with your girlfriend/wife. Here’s how I did it: Stare at and think dirty thoughts about the woman playing the lead, Christine. Holy bloody hell is she hot. Although, those of you who don’t find slender girls attractive may want to concentrate on something else.

Brief Aside #2: After the movie was over, the audience of Phantom of the Opera: The Movie, mainly composed of middle aged women and a couple husbands/boyfriends like myself who in our minds had just watched the money shot with Christine, applauded. They actually clapped at the end of the film. Can someone please explain to me exactly why? Who the hell are they clapping for? There’s no one on stage who’s going to take a bow. What, did they want to congratulate the teenager in the booth? “Way to turn that projector on, son! And the way you had it pointed at the screen centered perfectly like it was? Top notch!”So where was I? Ah yes, Sunday.

There was a third DVD that my wife picked up, a BBC production of Jane Eyre. We had both read the novel in a literature class we took in college, so I thought maybe I could suffer through it as well. Looking at the back when she brought it home however, I noticed something. Namely, the running time: 306 minutes. It wasn’t a movie, it was a damned miniseries! I hate the British!So as we are starting to put away the Christmas decorations that Sunday morn, Jane Eyre is sitting on top of the DVD stack on the coffee table. “The DVDs have to go back today. She’s going to want to watch it,” I thought to myself. “But I’ve already invoked I’M BUSY! There’s no way she’d try and watch that thing when she knows the Bengals first Playoff game in fifteen years is coming on, right?”

I’m panicking. I sat through De-Lovely despite its de-suckitude, but there is no way in hell I’m missing the Bengals game for pretentious British tripe. That’s why we have a second television in the computer room after all, so I can watch football and Battlestar Galactica while she watches figure skating and Numb3rs.I’m pumped up and ready to go down with the ship on this one. “We’re watching the Bengals because I’m the man of the house and I said so! Bengals now! Bengals forever, HONEY!“Jane Eyre never left its case at anytime on Sunday.

…

Ok, Jane Eyre never left its case because my wife never mentioned watching it, knowing that I wanted to watch the Bengals game. Here’s a helpful hint to all of you other men out there: You are not the man of the house. Well, you are, only because you have a penis as opposed to a vagina, but you are not in charge. Your job is to kill spiders and other assorted bugs, take out the garbage, replace the kitchen faucet (as I did Sunday morning), and mow the grass. And then there’s that whole love/companionship/security thing, but that’s besides the fact.

To be continued…

Let’s do this, Bengals fans.

The Bills? The Bills? Good lord. Too angry to write coherently. Merry Christmas, you bastards.

The sheet doesn’t lie, folks. The Bengals are the 2005 AFC North Champions. We’re going to the Playoffs for the first time in 14 years.

HOLY SHIT!

…

Give me a minute.

…

Ok, I’m better.

We know the postseason is assured, and with that comes at least one Playoff home game. But can the Bengals get that elusive first round bye? The #1 seed is out of reach, even if the now-once-defeated Colts put up a bagel in the win column over the final two weeks of the season. The #2 seed however, is within our grasp if Denver decides to cooperate.

The Broncos have the tiebreaker on the Bengals, so if we are to jump one spot from the third position Denver needs to lose a game. Should they drop one, and the Bengals win out, then we’ll get the bye. The scenarios go like this:

• If Denver goes 2-0 over the final two weeks: The Broncos are the #2 seed regardless of what Cincinnati does.
• If Denver goes 1-1 over the final two weeks: The Bengals are the #2 seed if they go 2-0 over those same two weeks.
• If Denver goes 0-2 over the final two weeks: The Bengals are the #2 seed if they go at least 1-1 over the last two weeks.

The possible outcomes are pretty simple, and the schedule works out about as well as we could hope. Both the Bengals and Broncos have what should be a gimmie next week, followed by a tough game on the road to close out the season. It is not inconceivable that Cincinnati could pull this off.

Buffalo is on tap for us in the final home game of the season. We should win this one easily. Denver, meanwhile, has Oakland at home, and there is no reason to think the Broncos won’t win that game. The last week of the season is when things get interesting, and it’s all the AFC West’s fault.

As I said before, there is really only one Playoff spot up for grabs. New England has clenched their division, and their closest competitor, Miami, is at .500. We’ve got the AFC North wrapped up, and second place Pittsburgh stands at 9-5 fighting for a Wild Card. The Colts have the #1 seed locked up in their section of the AFC.

Jacksonville is 10-4 with Houston and Tennessee left to go. It will take an act of God or Jack Del Rio resting his players for them not the end the year 12-4. That’s the first Wild Card slot already filled. There is one division crown at least mathematically still available, but if Denver gets by Oakland then there isn’t a formula in the world that will put them behind San Diego or Kansas City. So in reality there is just that last Wild Card invitation up in the air.

Pittsburgh right now has a death grip on that final Playoff birth. It only takes a win against Cleveland and a follow-up victory over Detroit and the Steelers get in. Should they stumble however, things get interesting.

Starting at the back of the pack, Kansas City is 8-6 and cannot get in without help - a lot of help. For the Chiefs to make the Playoffs the following scenario must unfold:

1. Kansas City must end the year 2-0 for an overall record of 10-6.
2. San Diego must end the year 0-2. Should San Diego lose to Kansas City and then win against Denver, the Chargers hold the common opponents tiebreaker against the Chiefs.
3. Pittsburgh must go 0-2 over the final two weeks.-OR-

   Pittsburgh must lose to Cleveland next week if they go 1-1 over Weeks 16 and 17. If they beat Cleveland then they will hold the division record tiebreaker over Kansas City. A loss against the Browns forces the tiebreaker for the Wild Card to go to strength of victory.

I think it’s safe to say that Kansas City is eliminated, but should Pittsburgh stumble and Kansas City get by San Diego, the Chiefs will have a must-win game at home against Cincinnati. As Panzer said below, they’ll be out of for blood.

San Diego on the other hand, has two ways into the postseason. First, they still have that outside shot at the AFC West title. To get the crown three things must happen:

1. Denver must lose to Oakland this week.
2. San Diego must beat Kansas City this week.
3. Denver must lose to San Diego at San Diego the final week of the season.

If those three things come to pass then San Diego will be the AFC West champion by virtue of the division record tiebreaker. If you’re looking for a game of the week the final Sunday of the season, think about this: Should Denver lose to Oakland this week and San Diego should get by Kansas City, then the Week 17 game of Broncos at Chargers will be for the AFC West title. If that isn’t enough drama, realize that the winner will go on to the Playoffs - while the loser will likely go home (assuming that Pittsburgh runs the table as we all expect).

The only other way San Diego plays in January is for Pittburgh to go 1-1 to end the year. If the Steelers go at best 1-1, and the Chargers finish 2-0, then San Diego is in with the final Wild Card. Pittsburgh holds the head-to-head tiebreaker, so San Diego can only make the Playoffs with a better overall record. There isn’t any way around it for the Chargers.

The AFC Playoff race isn’t over yet, and there is still a chance for Cincinnati to get that precious bye week. To be continued this week…

Maybe I do worry too much, but it’s not like the Lions and their lack of fans are any source of competition. The Bengals easily trounced them to clinch the AFC north title. Yes, yes - I was wrong.

However, since the name of this site is gobengalssuperbowl.com and not gobengalsafcnorthtitle.com, I will continue to worry and fret about the next two games. While Buffalo may not be a problem, Kansas City will be out for blood in their last game, especially if they beat San Diego next week. With the possibility of a bye on the line, the Bengals will need to play perfectly for the rest of the season.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t be worried about the Bengals next game versus the Lions. The Bengals should blow the Lions out of the water.